PARENT WITH PURPOSE + LIVE YOGA
How Living Yoga {not just doing yoga} Can Support You To Parent With Purpose and Peace
What does it mean to live yoga? This is one of my favorite inquiries and conversations.
I like to discern what I call ‘little-y’ yoga from ‘big-Y’ Yoga. That thing you do on your mat? Breathing, stretching, maybe sweating: that’s yoga - which I, by no means, am disrespecting. I am eternally grateful for the gifts this physical practice has offered, and I am honored to witness the shifts and teachings it provides the students I guide.
For many of us in the western world, this physical exercise is synonymous with yoga. In reality, though, it is barely the tip of the iceberg.
The circa 400 CE text The Yoga Sutras, attributed to the sage Patanjali, outlines an eight-limbed systematic approach leading, essentially, to enlightenment (known as Samadhi, if you like ‘the words’). While I do not - by any means - subscribe rigidly to this paradigm, it does offer much wisdom and inspiration.
Asana - the physical practice that we are so familiar with in modern times - is actually the third step on this path (side note: it refers to the seat the body uses in meditation, but that’s a different conversation). Asana was not intended to be practiced until other conditions were met - namely setting the foundation of Yama and Niyama - yoga’s ‘moral codes’, or ways of ‘right living’.
As a householder, I use and teach Yama and Niyama to support modern living. This is one way I practice (a.k.a. live) Yoga.
As a parent, these guidelines help me navigate how I show up for my kids, and how I teach them to be in the world. Yama and Niyama are useful as a framework for inquiry in order to live a deeper and richer life of Yoga.
The Sanskrit term Yama can be translated as restraint, rein, or bridle (as is used to steer or control a horse). The Yamas are self-restraints we willingly engage in - leading to more harmonious relationships with self and others. These inquiries support us to guide or steer our life in an intended direction as we avoid: violence, lying, stealing, wasting energy, and possessiveness.
While the surface and obvious ways of engaging with the Yamas are helpful, I find their myriad subtle nuances even more valuable and interesting. Here are some ways the Yamas support parenting with purpose and peace.
1. Non-violence {Ahimsa}
“I nourish myself, SO THAT I can nurture others”
There are many obvious ways we can treat ourselves and others kindly, without violence.
While ‘self-care' has become a buzz term, I invite you to really investigate what it means to take care of yourself. What nourishes you? What fills your cup?
You have likely heard that it is important to “put on your own oxygen mask first”. What if you approach self-care head on - with an intention to fully THRIVE, as opposed to merely endure. If you don’t allow yourself to become depleted and overwhelmed in the first place, you won’t need oxygen to survive.
Self-care does not look the same for everyone, and it does not have to be a big production - it can happen in 5 minutes or even 5 seconds. Some options are:
three mindful and slow deep breaths as you fill the pasta pot with water
listening to a podcast in your five-minute solo time in the car as you drive to the store or carpool (when we used to do that…)
an after dinner Zoom date with a dear friend
getting up a little earlier so you have time and space to start the day from a grounded space
a quick “time out” alone in your room with the door closed.
How can you get creative with taking time for yourself?
*** Be kind to yourself so that you can maintain, sustain and flourish ***
2. Truthfulness {Satya}
“Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes”
Words have the power to uplift and inspire, or to dampen and destroy.
Peace and harmony all the time is not a realistic goal (but it would be nice, right?!) - honest, heartfelt communication is.
Sometimes, we have to talk about hard, unpleasant, difficult things - especially emotions.
In my family, we (try to … by no means perfect over here) practice conscious communication including “I statements” and “OTFD”.
Do you know the saying:
"Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you."
When you, as the parent, "say what you mean and meaning what you say", and share from a heart-centered space using the prompt to T.H.I.N.K. before you speak (ask yourself - is it … TRUE, HELPFUL, INSPIRING, NECESSARY, KIND) you model living in and speaking truth.
Sure, sometimes the conversations are hard and triggering (for all involved) - yet, the opportunity to speak truth, with kindness and politeness is always there.
*** Reap the rewards of abundance that result when you align your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions ***
3. Non-stealing {Asteya}
“Be here now”
You likely agree that it is “wrong” to take material things from another without their permission. But what about stealing from yourself?
Asteya helps remind to not rob yourSelf of experiencing life as it is.
It helps not just give lip service to being present - but to truly and deeply connect with the wonder and beauty in each and every moment.
When you agonize over the past or worry about the future (which might be especially difficult to avoid right now), you literally steal your own happiness.
When you allow yourself to simply savor the here and now, you can connect with the bigger picture that is this amazing adventure we call life.
This allows you to move past judging life as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, to not get sucked down the rabbit hole of chaos or drama, and to simply be with the fact that it ‘just is’.
*** “The days go slow, but the years go fast”. When all is said and done - when your “babies” are grown and gone - you will thank yourself for the gift of present moment awareness. ***
4. Energy management {Brahmacharya}
“Energy flows where attention goes”
As a householder, we wear many hats. I am a mom of three, a wife, an employee, an entrepreneur, a homemaker, a daughter, a dog/cat/chicken/axolotl caretaker, and more. There is only so much of me to go around. There is only so much time in a day.
Practicing Brahmacharya, or energy management, is crucial so as to not “crash and burn”.
The invitation is to inventory what is coming in (being digested), as this is has a direct impact on what is able to be given out.
What amplifies your energy? What drains your energy?
Digestion refers to more than the food you eat. You also digest:
the things you do
the people you spend time with
the places you go
the things you talk about
what you watch and read
the social media you scroll
Can you say ‘yes’ to that which amplifies and leaves you feeling reinvigorated and rejuvenated, and say ‘no’ to that which drains and leaves you feeling depleted and like you are running on empty?
*** To minimize - or better yet prevent - overwhelm, learn to say ‘yes’ to saying ‘no’ ***
5. Non-attachment {Aparigraha}
“You only lose what you cling to”
Not attaching (not to be confused with not caring) involves a sense of letting go of grasping while enjoying fully and savoring deeply.
That is so important I will say it again: you let go of the outcome WHILE doing it full out.
This is not a get out of jail free card - you continue to take 100% responsibility for your actions. You simply are not encumbered by concern with the destination.
As far back as I can remember, I knew I wanted to be a mother. Instead of fantasizing about a wedding day, I daydreamed about being a mother.
In my imagination, I was the ‘perfect’ mom: the 'just right' combination of stern and playful. And I had the perfect kids: they said and did the ‘right’ things (ahem, the things that I would say and do).
My first-born daughter has been strong-willed and highly sensitive since day one.
She very quickly helped me debunk my self-imposed myth of the mother-child dyad.
She taught me early on to let go of my attachment to who I thought I would be as a mother, and allow myself to grow (and continually be molded) into the mother that she actually needed.
Daily, I remind myself to let go of my attachment to who I think my children should be, and radically accept them simply for who they are.
Not as an extension of me. Not as a mini-me. Not as mine to possess.
*** Let go of the need to be the ‘perfect’ parent and trust that you are doing the best you can. Honor and celebrate your children simply for existing - this will allow their unique spirit to be expressed and their gifts to be shared with the world. ***
I would love to know how this landed for you.
Did anything resonate?
How do these practices - the Yamas - show up in your (parenting or ‘regular’) life?
xo,
ilana