A FEW OF MY FAVORITE, GO-TO PARENTING BOOKS
My first 48 hours as a new mom are a blur. What I remember is a conglomeration of love, joy, pain, fatigue, fear, anxiety, and doubt as I was filled with waves of hormones, thoughts and emotions that I couldn't have imagined or predicted.
One particular moment from that time is ingrained in my memory - a conversation with my midwife during her check-in the day after birth. As she sat on the edge of the hospital bed and we chatted, she offered her sage counsel on parenting. Now, what she actually said might be totally different, yet this is what I heard: (that’s another topic for another day…)
And don’t read any parenting books."
Maybe she said “don’t read too many parenting books?” I’m not sure … and it doesn’t really matter.
Here is the take-away: don’t blindly listen to “experts” - connect with your inner wisdom and intuition. While I have certainly heeded her advice, I ALSO have read a gazillion parenting books - and articles - and blogs. I’ve listened to hours and hours of Podcasts, and had countless conversations with friends and other parents in-person and online in Facebook groups/Instagram feeds/message boards (back in the day).
I have taken to heart what I see as the spirit of her advice: I read and ingest what others share as simply an offering. And I hope that you take all that I offer in the same vein.
First and foremost, do what works for you. Pass everything you read and hear through a filter of “Does this resonate with me?”, “Does this make sense for our circumstance?”, “Is this currently relevant?”.
Take it all with the proverbial grain of salt. Perhaps these books will be interesting, inspirational and helpful for you now — or maybe down the road at another time. In the spirit of learning, growing and sharing, here are five of the (gazillion) books that have been most influential in my parenting journey:
1. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
While technically not a parenting book, I think this is a must read. It’s one of those books I read and refer to again and again. This self-help book is a “practical guide to personal freedom which offers a code of conduct based on ancient Toltec wisdom that advocates freedom from self-limiting beliefs that may cause suffering and limitation in a person's life”. Freedom from suffering and limitations? Yes, please!
These four simple principles are useful for every relationship and all communication: with yourself, your partner, your kids, your friends, your colleagues, the checkout clerk - everyone! Check out the download summarizing these life-changing principles.
2. The Seven Spiritual Laws For Parents by Deepak Chopra
Also in the self-help genre, this quick and easy read offers specific ways to experience, embody and provide spiritual nurturing in your family by discussing seven simple sayings that can and will have a profound impact on your child’s (and your) life, including: “everything is possible”, “enjoy the journey” and “you are here for a reason”. The explanations are simple and relatable, and daily activities to practice the “laws” are provided.
Many find this version of Chopra’s classic “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success” more accessible than the original version meant for adults. This practical way to incorporate spirituality in your daily life will be supportive for the whole family.
3. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Written in the 1980s, it is full of timeless wisdom and strategies to more effectively communicate with your children. Topics include coping with your children’s negative feelings, expressing anger without being hurtful, setting firm limits, using alternatives to saying “no” and to punishment, and easily resolving conflicts. Sound too good to be true? Well, sometimes it really can be that simple (notice I didn’t say easy). I loved the book so much that when my kids were little I went to a 9-week workshop series based on the teachings. This book, as well as the authors’ other works, have provided so many ideas, theories and practical strategies that bring more peace and ease to family life in my own home as well as my clients’.
While it is an easy read with helpful visuals, vignettes, FAQs, summaries and “assignments”, if you are looking for a quicker version, check out this video summary.
4. Child of Mine by Ellyn Satter
If you have ever stressed about mealtime, worried about what you’re feeding your child, or had battles over what they eat (or don’t eat) - get yourself some Ellyn Satter wisdom, STAT! I just love her concept of “division of responsibility in feeding” (which I think can apply to almost - if not - ALL areas of parenting, not just feeding). In summary, as the parent you take leadership with the what, when, and where of feeding and your child determines how much and whether to eat.
The book is a bit more comprehensive and “heavier” than the previous recommendations, yet still accessible and relatable, and is full of guidance about nutrition, feeding, child development and parenting. You can start by checking out a summary of Satter’s “Division of Responsibility in Feeding” theory.
5. The Conscious Parent by Shafli Tsabary, PhD
Probably the “heaviest” of all, this book is referred to as “The Oprah-acclaimed parenting book that will change the way you raise your children”. As opposed to offering a quick fix, this book posits the need for parents to deeply soul-search in order to connect back to their essence, ultimately leading to transformation of the parent-child relationship and journey.
If this excerpt resonates with you, check out the whole book: “When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.”
For more (and quicker) resources from the author, check out this video series.
I know how important it is to use time wisely - and these books have been a great use of my precious resources of time, energy and attention. I trust and hope you might find the same.
If it feels overwhelming to read five (or even one) parenting books and figure out (on your own) what resonates / what your parenting values are / how to implement new strategies in your home - please reach out for customized, individualized support.
I would be honored to share my unique combination of formal education (Western Psychology and Eastern Philosophy), years of experience as a mom, and work as a Speech-Language Pathologist and mindful parenting and living coach: working together, we will develop and implement tailored strategies that will support your unique family and parenting journey.
*** NONE of these are affiliate links, sponsored, or endorsed, in any way. These are simply and solely my thoughts and recommendations.
*** You might notice I did not put any links to purchase the books online. That’s because it’s 2020 - support your local, independent book sellers!