I became a mom at 28 when - in many ways - I was still a child.

I felt more alive and purposeful than ever, and also more overwhelmed, anxious, lost and afraid.

Do you know that fear as a mom? That you’re not good enough - not present enough - not doing it right - not saving enough for the therapy fund your kid is going to need?

There’s no training, no course, no test. You need a license to drive a car, to cut hair, to fish - but to be a mom? Nope - here you go! Raise this tiny human who watches you every second and is learning how to be in the world because of (or despite) what you do.

I SO WANTED TO BE THE PATIENT, PRESENT, CONFIDENT MOM THAT I KNEW I COULD BE - AND THAT MY KIDS DESERVED. SO WHAT WAS STOPPING ME?

I was “doing it all” (or so I thought): working three jobs, raising three kids, maintaining my ridiculously high standards of home upkeep, attending to everyone’s needs (except my own). What I WASN’T doing was paying enough attention to me - listening to (or even hearing) myself.

I LEARNED THAT TO GET MORE OF WHAT I WANTED - I NEEDED TO DO LESS, TO SLOW DOWN, TO simply FEEL.

I’ve found that we can only ignore the gentle “knock knock! something’s not quite right” for so long. Eventually, Life gets tired of being ignored (kinda like those toddlers, eh?) and has to kick the door down.

For me, it was a diagnosis of high risk for hereditary breast and ovarian cancer followed by three grueling surgeries in three months while parenting three kids under the age of nine.

I felt like I had been rolling down a hill for as long as I could remember (my whole life?) and all of a sudden I was at the bottom, splayed out on my back, looking up at the sky wondering, “what the heck just happened?”.

I did what I had to do - pick myself up, dust myself off, and put one foot in front of the other. But now I could do it differently. Now I (not my family, not society, not “shoulds”) could choose the course and direction with each step.

I DOVE DEEPER INTO MY LIFELONG STUDIES OF MERGING WESTERN PSYCHOLOGY WITH EASTERN PHILOSOPHY.

I read every parenting book I could get my hands on (and keep my eyes open long enough to read). I revisited my college textbooks and looked with fresh eyes at the families I had worked with in my nearly decade-long career as a Speech Therapist in Early Intervention, Public Schools, and Adult Rehabilitation. I enrolled in Yoga Teacher Training and attended workshop after workshop.

It seemed to keep coming back to this: life was harder when I wanted things to be different - or when I wanted things to stay the same … when I forgot that, no matter what “this too shall pass”.

THE ONLY CONSTANT IN LIFE IS CHANGE.

Just when I think I have something figured out: boom - change.

She likes avocado!
Nope, that’s getting spit out and thrown all over the floor.

I have time and motivation to exercise in the morning!
Nope, I am going to hit snooze on the alarm for the next 56 minutes.

Parenting a teenager is maddening and impossible!
Nope, there IS hint of a prefrontal cortex and a glimmer of rational thought.