CAN PEOPLE READ YOUR MIND?
Do you find yourself repeatedly saying (yelling? whining?) things - to your partner, your kids, your roommates, your colleagues - yet still not feeling heard?
Communication is simple yet intricate - think of the “telephone” game you played at elementary school birthday parties. How quickly words, meaning, and intent can shift.
Perhaps you are not communicating as clearly as you think. And - luckily! - people can NOT read your mind. You are a secret and mystery.
When I learned to “OTFD”, it was a total game changer. This simple practice provides a framework for positive and direct communication with everyone in your life.
OTFD is useful for conflict resolution - ranging from trivial (asking your partner to put clothes actually IN the hamper and not on the floor 6 inches away) to significant (that tough conversation you need to have with a friend or family member). It can also be used as a framework to point out the positive and acknowledge the good and helpful things people do.
“A wonderful fact to reflect upon,
that every human creature
is constituted to be
that profound secret and mystery to every other.”
― Charles Dickens
“Opening The Front Door” is a mnemonic for the four steps of this simple model:
O bserve: State in clear, unambiguous language what you see happening / the facts
T hink Express what you think
F eel: Express your feelings about the situation
D esire: State what you would like to have happen
(side note: I have found that sometimes it makes more sense for think and feel to be presented together, or with greater focus on one or the other)
Here’s a simple example of how this framework can be used in real life:
Let’s say the household division of labor is that you cook, and your partner/spouse cleans up - yet they tend to (as you see it) half-heartedly do their job. Your OTFD might look like this:
“I see that you are on the couch watching tv and there are still dishes in the sink and crumbs on the counter.
I think that dinner clean up is not done.
I feel worried that tomorrow morning when I come into the kitchen, tonight’s mess will still be there.
I would like the sink to be clear and the counters and table to be clean before we go to bed.”
I don’t know about you, but I think that beats complaining, whining, threatening … “The kitchen is dirty AGAIN! Why can’t you ever complete a task? I’m not going to cook dinner if you aren’t going to clean up.”
One of the keys is to get crystal clear on what you actually desire - what is your “D”? - before bringing up the topic and having the conversation.
And … that’s it. You have now done your part - you have skillfully and positively communicated.
There is no guarantee that the other person will do what you have asked, but you have taken control of your words. You will feel empowered and harmonious.
*** If you want to take it a step further, this communication tool from life coach and author Talane Miedaner might be supportive. Check it out, it is a quick and easy read.
Explore. Have fun. Let me know how it worked (or didn't?) for you. Comment here, send me an email or message — I want to know!
🥂 Here’s to more effective and efficient communication 🗣